OK, so here goes.
The thought of putting very personal things out there for "everyone" to see just popped into my head a few days ago. It's like someone was whispering, "You should do this, it would be good for you." So I guess I should just start with a list of flaws/personality traits/things that make me me ... whatever.
(Not in any particular order)
1. Sometimes when I make decision, I'll fret over whether or not I'll enjoy the outcome. For instance, a friend asked me to work at a day camp this week. It was only a week, but still, after I said yes, I worried about where I was going to park, how much longer it'd take me to get there with traffic, what would I eat, where would I eat, would the kids like me, etc. etc.
2. I can have firm goals set and be very determined ... for about a week or two, then it goes away. Example: I want to lose weight and was doing very well with going to the gym and eating right for about two weeks. Now I'm back to trying to convince myself that I really like my body just the way it is.
3. I'm not good with my money. I spend too much sometimes and try to rationalize it.
4. I would be content with laying around and watching TV all day. In fact, that's pretty much been most of my summer. Oh, sleeping in late too. Should I feel guilty about this? Should I feel like a waste of life for the 11 weeks that is my summer break? Or should I feel that it's OK that I'm not doing much, that I deserve it and it's OK?
5. I love my job, but what I've always wanted, ever since I was in elementary school, was to meet my husband and live happily ever after. I want kids too, but the husband part has been almost ever-present in my mind. Future marital joy/love/peace/harmony/communication/JUST KNOWING THAT IT'S RIGHT is extremely important to me. I want the fairytale.
6. Last night, reading and watching videos about people truly hating on this whole Chick-fil-a thing made me cry. Real tears.
7. I still feel like I'm waiting for my life to start.
Maybe at least one of my friends out there, or who knows, someone I don't know, has been able to relate to me, and hopefully you feel better now. I know I do. I've just been having a lot of internal struggles lately, and it feels really good to put them "down on paper."
More to come.
*huge hug* Blogging is good for the soul. It's why I do it! I totally know what you mean about wanting the fairytale, and feeling like you're waiting for your life to start. I think most teachers feel the tiniest bit of guilt about lazy summer vacations, but really, we put in extreme amounts of effort during the school year, so we deserve that time off! (Not that I'm a teacher anymore, but I used to be one, so I know how it goes!) When I start worrying about things, I think about all the things I've accomplished: I graduated college, I got a job, I have people who love me for who I am, not who I want to be, or who I think I'll be in a few months or years, folks who love me for ME. That's what keeps me going. You are awesome, and I miss you!!
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